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Photograph by Chip Somodevilla / GettyFolks, Joe Biden is the most radical agent of chaos this country has seen since Mitt Romney.In Joe Biden’s America, every night there’s a big contest to see who can do the most crimes, and the police can’t stop it because they’re armed with pool noodles. Whoever mugs the most old ladies gets to go to Yale, and regular...
Photograph by Andreas Gebert / dpa / AlamyWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As Donald J. Trump refuses to commit to a peaceful transfer of power in January, former President Barack Obama suggested that cancelling the White House’s cable-TV account could induce the President to leave.“This is a man who enjoys watching television,” Obama told reporters....
Photograph by Yulia Zavalishina / Adobe StockHello! I have never met you and now you are my best friend and I love you so much! I am the dog and I would love to give you a tour of my home, where I keep my toys and my food and my pet humans and now you live here, too, because you are my best friend! I own this house despite not only not knowing what...
Photograph by John Barrett / Celebrity Archaeology / AlamyThe Sumatran orangutan officially became extinct today. As I sat by the phone waiting for Big to call, I couldn’t help but wonder: Will good men be the next species to be put on the watch list?New York’s smog had landed Charlotte in the I.C.U. But she always found any cloud’s silver lining, and...
Photograph from Adobe StockSEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—In order to ease the peaceful transfer of power this coming January, Amazon has offered its Prime delivery service to ship Donald J. Trump out of the White House within twenty-four hours.Speaking from his corporate headquarters, the Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos, said that he understood why Trump...
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