Om Alone

Photograph by Esther Pueyo / ShutterstockSomething amazing has happened. Despite fending off texts and avoiding Instagram posts from relentless friends, B-list actors, and influencers all telling me that I need to meditate during the pandemic, I have entered another cosmic plane and become a living meditation. I’m not sure if they hand out black belts...

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I’m a Person of Color and Everyone Is Suddenly Interested in Me—Something Bad Must Have Happened

Photograph from GettyUh-oh. I woke up this morning and saw that my ethnicity was trending on Twitter—something must have happened.People usually talk at me, near me, over me, against me—pretty much every preposition except after I’m finished talking. But I mostly tune them out and think about what eucalyptus smells like, because I’m not sure that I...

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HBO Max Presents: The True Movie-Theatre Experience, Now on Demand

Dear Valued HBO Max Customer,The coronavirus pandemic has made it feel much less safe to go to the movie theatre. That’s why we’re releasing prestige films at home the same day that they’re released in cinemas—movies such as “The Little Things​,” “Judas and the Black Messiah​,” and, of course, “​Space Jam: A New Legacy​.”However, we all know that selecting...

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Welcome to Dollyworld!

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Pokey Joe Hits Fifth Avenue

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How to Have a Conversation Again

Photograph from GettyAs you prepare to reënter “normal” life, it’s natural to feel anxious about socializing in person. One of the major building blocks of interacting with other people is “conversation.” You may feel uncomfortable, but, rest assured, human beings have been having conversations for literally hundreds of years. And, as with sex, there’s...

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My New Weed Store

Photograph from GettyWith recreational marijuana now legal in New York State, dispensaries will soon be opening up all over town. But anyone can sell sativa vape cartridges or gummies with twenty-two-per-cent THC content. We aim to offer greater curation, with products designed to replicate our proprietor’s personal experiences with cannabis during...

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McConnell Says Corporations Should Follow His Example and Not Get Involved in Government

Photograph by Tom Williams / GettyWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Mitch McConnell urged the nation’s largest corporations to follow his example and not get involved in governing the country.Speaking to reporters, the Senate Minority Leader said that he “could have easily used my position over the years to make the country a better place, but...

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Think You Deserve Companionship? Apply to Adopt a Dog Today!

Photograph from ShutterstockThank you for your interest in adopting “Fester.” Please fill out the application below to help us determine whether you are a good fit.Provide contact information for your veterinarian. If you are not registered with a vet’s office, your application will be discarded unread.Do you currently have pets or have you recently...

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New Georgia Poll Shows Kemp Losing Governor’s Race to Can of Coca-Cola

Photograph by Brandon Bell / GettyATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—In a sign that Republicans’ war on the carbonated beverage could be backfiring, a new poll of Georgia’s voters finds Governor Brian Kemp losing overwhelmingly to a can of Coca-Cola.According to the poll, which has a margin of error of four points, seventy-one per cent of Georgia voters...

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