Americans Overwhelmingly Favor Sending Trump Back to School in Fall

Photograph by Yuri Gripas / Abaca / Bloomberg / GettyWASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the debate over reopening the nation’s schools, a new poll shows that an overwhelming majority of Americans would like Donald J. Trump to go back to school in the fall.Due to social-distancing requirements, those surveyed agreed that there should be limits...

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Tough-Guy Things I Can Do Because I Don’t Wear a Face Mask

Photograph from GettySpit anywhere I want. Got that, Mask Boy?Smoke big-ass cigars. Not only does it look boss as hell, it keeps me from eating too much candy. Let’s just say that I’ve earned a reputation for having a sweet tooth, which is why the fellas call me Sweetie. It’s one of those tough-guy nicknames that’s ironic, because I’m anything but sweet....

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Kevin James Can Wait

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When This Is Over

Photograph from GettyWhen this is over, I will get off my damn phone already. No more true-crime food blogs, one-eared-feral-fox-Instagram k-holes, or endless scrolling through Mars-landing conspiracy sites. I will use my phone only for absolutely necessary tasks: calls, texts, e-mail, maps/directions, the weather, my alarm clock, music and podcasts,...

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Pence Accused of Taking Trump’s Coronavirus Tests for Him

Photograph by Mandel Ngan / AFP / GettyWASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—In a scandal that threatens to upend Donald Trump’s Presidency, a new book accuses Trump of paying Vice-President Mike Pence to take his coronavirus tests for him.According to the book, “Swapping Swabs: Trump’s Pandemic of Lies,” when the subject of being tested for the virus...

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Putin Admits Taking SATs for Trump

Photograph by Jorge Silva / AFP / GettyMOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The firestorm of controversy swirling around the upcoming tell-all book by the President’s niece exploded on Tuesday, after Vladimir Putin revealed that he took the SATs for Donald J. Trump.Putin said that he had hoped to keep his role in Trump’s college admission a secret, but, with...

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Trump Freaks Out After Giant Statue of Obama Suddenly Appears on White House Lawn

Photograph from Picture Alliance / AlamyWASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump “totally freaked out” on Tuesday morning, after a gigantic statue of the former President Barack Obama appeared on the White House lawn overnight, sources have confirmed.Trump first discovered the statue, which stands approximately thirty feet tall, when he awoke...

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Pence Walks Out of “Hamilton” Again in Own Living Room

Photograph by Erin Scott / Bloomberg / GettyWASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence’s turbulent relationship with “Hamilton” continued over the weekend, as he walked out after the Broadway show in his own living room.Pence, who walked out of the Tony Award–winning musical in 2016, when the cast tried to address him, told reporters that he...

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Great Late-Night Ideas

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Thirsty Texts from All Your Ex-Clothes

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