Tips for Diving Back Into the Dating Pool

The dating pool is open! Whether you’re a serious diver or just a casual swimmer, you’ll be making waves in no time.If you have a sinking feeling about diving back in, don’t throw in the towel just yet!First, test the waters. Carefully dip a toe in. Way too hot? Too cool? Questionably tepid? Don’t drown yourself in analysis! What could possibly go wrong?...

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How to Turn Off Location Tracking (Updated)

Photograph from GettyGoogle executives were dismayed over a most inconvenient discovery: When they made it simpler to halt digital location tracking, far too many customers did so. According to recently unredacted documents in a continuing lawsuit . . . Google executives then worked to develop technological workarounds to keep tracking users. —The...

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Top Dogs of the White House

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Some Notes for Our Pandemic Dog-Sitter

Photograph by Ray Kachatorian / GettyDear Dog-Sitter,Welcome! We are all so happy you’re here. Especially our pandemic dog, Fauci. His preferred nicknames are Dan Levy, Ali Wong, and Little Adorable Cute Head, but he will definitely also respond to the Fauchmeister, Fauci Claus, the Fauci Fairy, and Hi.Though we haven’t left home (or him) in a year...

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Making the Most of Toxic Masculinity Before It Dies Out

Photograph from GettyBad news, bros. Studies show that toxic masculinity is harmful to men’s health, women’s safety, and everyone’s Twitter feeds. But you and I both know that being a toxic man is also dope as hell! We’ve got camo pants and PornHub Premium accounts. Well, apparently, it’s only a matter of time until toxic bros become soft, “emotionally...

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Republicans Protest Lack of Rioters on January 6th Commission

Photography by Alex Wong / GettyWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Casting a dark cloud over the select committee investigating the January 6th insurrection, congressional Republicans protested, in no uncertain terms, the panel’s “utter lack of rioters.”Leading the charge was House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who called the commission “little more...

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Signs That You’re Not Ready to Become a Spy

Photograph by Maciej Toporowicz / GettyYou don’t look great in black.You only speak one language, and you do so poorly.When you eavesdrop on a conversation, you can’t help but interject and offer advice.You think that the Kremlin is a dive bar in the East Village.Trenchcoats have been triggering for you ever since you got Rickrolled.Martinis make you...

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Fictional Functional Snacks

More HumorA selection of the 30 Most Disappointing Under 30.Statement by the Queen on Harry and Meghan: early drafts.If you give a mom a cookie.Things fully vaccinated people are still not allowed to do.Pay off your student loans in three easy lifetimes.When I knew I found the one.Updates from your FedEx package.Get more humor in your in-box. Sign up...

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Fake Pandemic Introvert vs. Real Introvert

More HumorA selection of the 30 Most Disappointing Under 30.Statement by the Queen on Harry and Meghan: early drafts.If you give a mom a cookie.Things fully vaccinated people are still not allowed to do.Pay off your student loans in three easy lifetimes.When I knew I found the one.Updates from your FedEx package.Get more humor in your in-box. Sign up...

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Nation Shocked by Existence of Trump Adviser Not Already Arrested

Photograph by Daniel Acker / Bloomberg / GettyNEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans were shocked to learn of the existence of a Trump adviser who had not already been arrested.In interviews across the country, Americans who had been certain that there were no unindicted Trump advisers left said that the arrest of Tom Barrack had caused...

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