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Shaken Greg Abbott Describes Moment of Terror When Beto O’Rourke Talked to Him

By Andy BorowitzMay 26, 2022Photograph by Dario Lopez-Mills / AP / ShutterstockAUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—A rattled Greg Abbott described for reporters the moment of abject terror that he endured when the gubernatorial candidate Beto O’Rourke suddenly talked to him.“Without warning, out of nowhere, there he appeared, saying things,” the Governor of...

How Even Our Fictional Billionaires Fail Us

By Eli GroberMay 26, 2022Photograph by Patti McConville / AlamyThe world’s 10 richest billionaires have doubled their wealth since the COVID-19 pandemic started, in early 2020, with inequality now reaching “outrageous” levels, according to anti-poverty charity Oxfam. —CBS NewsAs the richest men in the world continue to hoard their wealth, a question...

Ways to Instantly End Conversations with Other Dog Owners

By Ella Quittner and Colin StokesMay 25, 2022Photograph by Carl Lyttle / GettyHello, sweet thing.Bye-bye, motherfucker!Nice to meet you. My name is Cruella.I hate to see your dog go, but I love to watch him leave.My other dog is a car.And that car is a dog.Here’s my number, in case you ever want to chat pooch.Yours is so sweet! I used to know someone...

What Should We Have for Dinner?

By Emma RathboneMay 24, 2022Photograph by Martin Parr / Magnum The question looms, like a giant, mythic, prehistoric obelisk blocking out the sun, dinosaurs keeling over right and left when they see it: what should we have for dinner? We figured it out last night! And the night before that! And yet, now we have to figure it out once again. And I’m completely...

Glossary for the Original “Top Gun,” as We Understood It in 1986

By Wendi Aarons and Johanna GohmannIllustration by Emily FlakeMay 23, 2022MaverickThe hot-shot pilot played by Tom Cruise, who is super cute, but not as cute as he was in “Risky Business” when he started a small business with sex workers in his parents’ house. Maverick loves to go fast and not play by the rules!IcemanMaverick’s rival pilot, played by...

The Crypto Constitution

By Dennard DayleMay 21, 2022Photograph by Alistair Berg / GettyArticle Zero: Independent Minds United (I.M.U.) is the first decentralized nation.Article One: I.M.U. declares independence from all preëxisting and forthcoming governments.Article Two: I.M.U. does not have citizens, it has investors. Any Citizenship Token-holder is considered an investor.Article...

If You Give a Mouse a Routine Checkup

By Ellie BlackMay 20, 2022If you give a mouse a routine checkup, you might discover that he needs a minor surgical procedure.When you give a mouse surgery, he’s probably going to receive a hospital bill.When he receives a hospital bill, he is probably going to try to pay it through his insurance Web site. It makes sense that if he’s using his H.S.A....

Not Suitable for Children: Why I Won’t Be Having Kids

By Simon WebsterMay 20, 2022Photograph by Mayte Torres / GettyIt’s not easy being a kid these days.I know this because I was a kid not too long ago, and it was no picnic then—but at least we had the ice caps.What do the kids of today have?Everywhere you look, things seem to be in decline—fish stocks, food stocks, everything apart from stock stocks,...

Uber Driver Charges Newly Freed Martin Shkreli Three Hundred Times Normal Rate

By Andy BorowitzMay 19, 2022Photograph by Drew Angerer / GettyALLENWOOD, PENNSYLVANIA (The Borowitz Report)—Immediately after being released from prison, the former pharmaceutical C.E.O. Martin Shkreli got an unpleasant surprise when an Uber driver charged him three hundred times the normal rate.The driver said that he jacked up the price of Shkreli’s...

Pick Your Battles

By Rima ParikhMay 19, 2022Photograph from GettySomeone nabs your parking spot. Someone at the gym steals your water bottle. Someone cuts you in line for the bathroom at the bar. When these things happen, don’t let rage control you. Take the high road. Pick your battles. Find a new parking spot; get a new water bottle; piss yourself. Do you really think...

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