HoseMaster of Wine™

"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."--Woody Allen

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Twitterchimps

Have you ever been at the zoo when the resident chimpanzees become excited? It’s an amazing cacophony of hooting, screaming, chest-beating, and teeth-baring aimed at displaying dominance and power in the troop. It’s very loud and very aggressive, and ultimately meaningless. It’s soon over, until the next moment someone rattles the cage. A simple...

Six Wines to Drink Before You Die Next Wednesday

I didn’t want to be the one to tell you, but come Wednesday, you’re history. I’m not trying to be funny. Word is you’re a goner, and there’s no reason to believe otherwise. On the bright side, pretty much everyone believes you have it coming, so it should be good news for most people. And you’re not that young, so there’s that. Now is the time for you...

Alice's Tribute to Robert Parker

After reading too many “tributes” to Robert Parker on the occasion of his official retirement, I wondered who might be happy, in her own way, that he’s gone. To read her moving tribute to the Emperor of Wine, head over to Tim Atkin's site. Feel free to leave flowers and eulogies there, or return here to hurl dirt on my coffin. TIM ATKIN MW

Biodynamics is Out, Phrenology is Wine's New Trendy Pseudoscience!

HoseMaster of Wine's™ Cabinet of Curiosities Biodynamics is so 2000’s. It’s just not interesting anymore. I’m as big a fan of pseudoscience as anyone, even POTUS (Prevaricator of the United States). I find it yugely encouraging that wine has finally embraced the pseudosciences vigorously. I’m the guy who only drinks wines on a fruit day. Wine on...

Lo Hai Qu Reviews "Wine Country"

It seemed fitting to allow my intern (still!) Lo Hai Qu to review the recent Netflix movie, "Wine Country." It's been a long time since I've turned my blog over to her, but I'm happy to have her back. I've missed her. So, my girlfriends Shizzangela and Loqueesha, and Loqueesha’s total loser cousin Klamydia, I mean Klamydia’s entire Instagram...

The Emperor in Winter

This is a piece I wrote in December of 2014. Lisa Perrotti-Brown MW, Editor in Chief of Wine Advocate, announced the official retirement of Robert Parker yesterday. For more than thirty years I was the most powerful critic in the history of the world. I say that with complete humility. There were many critics in my chosen field, but they were...

Failed Master of Wine Dissertations 2: The Examiner's Feedback by Peter Pharos

One of my fellow columnists from Tim Atkin MW’s site, Peter Pharos, sent me this response to my previous post. It’s damned funny. I’ve never met Peter, but now I hate him. The only other wine person who’s funnier in print than I am is David Schildknecht—but you have to read his work translated into English. For years, I’ve asked for people to write...

Failed Master of Wine Dissertations

Stuff I think about... The Paris Tasting of 1976: Who the Fuck Cares The Effect of Climate Change on BevMo’s Five Cent Sale Vineyard Dogs: Their Effect on Sales, and Why They Do That Thing With Their Legs When You Scratch Their Stomach Just Like Angelo Gaja Does Natural Wine: Does All That Hair Get Stuck in Your Teeth Sommeliers...

Rich Prick Wants a Lower Score

Dear Ms. Erin Brooks, In the most recent issue of Wine Advocate you rated my estate Pinot Noir 97+. Thank you, but that’s a stupidly high score. I don’t want a score that high. Is there any way you can lower it? If I want an inflated score for my wine, I’ll buy one from James Suckling like everybody else. While I’m thinking about it, what...

On the Island of Lost Master Sommeliers

It's been many years since I've been on a wine junket. I can't even remember the last one. I can't even remember the last time I was invited on a free trip anywhere, not counting jail. The same eleven bloggers go on every trip anyway, and, believe me, this is not a good-looking group of humans. Their liver X-rays are even worse. I paid my own way to...

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