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You Have Been Damned to Attend Cindy’s Virtual Nail Polish Party for All of Eternity

Bad news, you’re dead. Even worse, Satan has selected the perfect method of torturing you: attending a never-ending livestream of Cindy’s “Snappy and Snazzy” Custom Nail Polish Palooza. You know, the Facebook event you would never have attended back when you were alive and had free will. Looks like Cindy’s party is starting now. She’s showing an array...

Short Conversations with Poets: Maureen N. McLane

Across six collections of poetry, Maureen N. McLane has given us an art that is contemporary and ancient, raw and formal, open and deep. She seems to balance elements that too many poets these days rarely even attempt to bind together, and she does so in such satisfying ways. McLane is as much Frank O’Hara as Sappho, part-Mina Loy, part-Frederick Seidel....

Reimagining Famous Movies Based on My Child’s Name for Them

Arthur and Merlin fight for the last hot dog as a massive snowstorm sweeps their county. Their hunger drives them to explore new foods as they discover that almost anything can be ingested if you try hard enough. - - - A lamb stranded on a beach waits for the tide to come in so it can take a boat back to New Zealand. The tension builds as it is revealed...

Bruce Springsteen Lyrics That Hit Differently as I Age

“Baby, we were born to run” Or walk, depending on my knee. “Dancing in the dark” If I’m dancing, this is the only lighting that makes sense. “Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?” Or just any responsible adult? If I could drop my kids off for a playdate I could get to the dentist for the first time in five years. “This train is for losers and...

Thank You for Taking Care of Our Haunted and Enchanted Castle

We are so excited that you are going to watch our castle. While a lovely place, it is ancient and haunted, so it has a few quirks. Unfortunately, our Steward was murdered last Michaelmas by brigands, so much of the day-to-day logistics will fall to you. Doors, keys, and moat The drawbridge is self-explanatory. The portcullis can stick, especially in...

A Welcome Letter to the New Adjunct Faculty Members Who Will Be Laid Off in December

New Adjunct Faculty members — Congratulations on deciding to work for Jameson College. We think of our faculty and staff as family, so we want to be sure you have a positive experience. After all, we count on you to reapply for your jobs every semester. (If you’re new full-time, tenure-track faculty, you can stop reading now. We all know you were hired...

Short Conversations with Poets: Chris Abani

Few are the writers making poems and novels of the highest caliber. Chris Abani is one of these, part of a cadre that includes Michael Ondaatje and Patricia Lockwood. Thomas Hardy their predecessor in spirit. Abani, who directs both the creative writing MFA and the Program of African Studies at Northwestern, has published six books of fiction, including...

I Am a Rugged Man Who Simply Grills

You like chicken? Maybe a good old-fashioned burger? Maybe you’re vegetarian? All good, come on over. I’ll unholster my Outdoorsman 5000 Cordless Infrared Charcoal Lighter, and we’ll hit some of this Devil’s Dick Jumbo Hardwood Texas Charcoal with a beam of air clocking in at about 1,200 degrees Fahrenheit. We’ll get that charcoal white hot in under...

I Know I Said I’d Walk Five Hundred Miles for You, But I Am Now Having Second Thoughts

My love, I know I promised I’d walk five hundred miles just to be the man that falls down at your door. But I’ve been thinking it through and, well, I’m wondering if there isn’t perhaps an alternative way to demonstrate my worthiness? Take a look at this map. If I started walking here in Auchtermuchty, why, five hundred miles takes me out of Scotland,...

If Cis Straight White Men Menstruated

TO: Citizens FROM: The Patriarchy SUBJECT: Menstruation- Important!!! We do everything we can to make life easier for cisgender straight white men. Unfortunately, menstruation continues to wreak havoc on our most valued population. This memo is a reminder that their periods need to be treated with the utmost care and respect. No one should cook, clean,...

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