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Our School District’s New Emergency Preparedness Guidelines Are Based on the Book of Revelation

Dear Parents, We are pleased to inform you that we have developed effective, easy-to-follow emergency preparedness guidelines to keep your children safe: The Book of Revelation. Written by John, the son of Zebedee, these guidelines will be used in the event that the pandemic does not end, and COVID cases continue to coincide with natural disasters,...

The Biggest Issue Facing America Right Now Is People Stealing Puffy Jackets from Multi-Billion Dollar Corporations

“Retail crime has been rising throughout the US for the past five years… top law-enforcement officials place some of the blame for the crime surge on a widespread lessening of penalties for shoplifting.” — NY Post, 1/22/22 - - -As the CEO of a large retail chain, I’m outraged by the dramatic rise in shoplifting over the past year. Petty crooks are making...

Mrs. Dalloway Said She Would Buy the Rapid COVID Test Herself

For Richard was still “working” from home. And Lucy had resigned months ago—so queer, Clarissa thought; it seemed no one wanted to serve bourgeois housewives for minimum wage anymore. But the pandemic was over now; the suffering—over!—thank heavens; it was over. With everyone vaccinated and at-home testing available, they were “learning to live with...

“We Need to Get Back to Normal,” I Say, While I Continue to Live My Life Normally, As I Have Throughout This Pandemic

“We need to get back to normal,” I say, while I continue to live my life normally, having barely changed my behavior and lifestyle—or faced any of the horrifying consequences millions of other people have—during the entirety of this still-ongoing pandemic. “When can we go out to dinner again?” I say as I walk into a restaurant full of people indoor...

The Nine Months of Pregnancy, Ranked from Worst to Best

9. Third month This is an easy call, because the morning sickness is full steam ahead, all day, every day, with every breath you take. The kitchen’s whole vibe makes you puke, and your sense of smell is superhero strong, so you live alone in the basement now. You’re more tired than you’ve ever been in your life, but since you haven’t told anyone you’re...

Excerpts From The House of Girth, Edith Wharton’s 1905 Novel About Powerlifting

Selden paused in surprise. In the afternoon rush of the Grand Central Station his eyes had been refreshed by the sight of Miss Lily Bart. Lily Bart’s arms were bursting out of her satin sleeves like two great slabs of uncooked brisket. “Mr. Selden!” she cried. “What luck. Have you heard? I can deadlift one hundred forty pounds.” - - -It was not that...

What We Talk About When We Don’t Talk About Bruno

With apologies to Raymond Carver. - - -My son Liam was talking. Liam is five years old, and that always gives him the right. The two of us were sitting around the kitchen table drinking juice. Light flickered into the kitchen from the TV in the living room. We had Disney+ then. But it was only a month’s trial. There was a cup of juice and some Goldfish...

COVID Will Eventually Be Endemic, and I Absolutely Know What That Word Means

Everyone’s still so scared of COVID. But come on, people. It’s going to be endemic soon enough. And that has to mean, uh, something. Endemic means freedom, more or less. Sometimes more, but occasionally less. They say less is more, and that’ll be the case here. Except when more’s less. It means no more putting on a mask. Also, no more taking it off....

We Can’t Run This College into the Ground Without Your Help

Dear College Faculty, Effective immediately, there will be a moratorium on resignations. Thanks to COVID, the governor has generously formalized his long-standing informal suspension of the Thirteenth Amendment. It’s now perfectly legal to treat you like our property. Don’t worry; you’ll still get paid two-thirds of your starting salary. Unfortunately,...

A Boat Surrounded by Sharks Is a Childcare Option I Am Seriously Considering

Hi, it’s me, the mom of an under-five-year-old overtired, under-stimulated, homeschooled, unvaccinated monster child currently using his stupid chubby little fingers to pick off small pieces of colored tape I put on the floor because some Montessori Mom Instagram account said this would distract him long enough for me to take a conference call from...

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