McSweeney’s

Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Latest articles

O, How I Miss the Nightclub!

O, how I miss the nightclub! Her neon sign flickers through the smog: “Chateau Chateau.” Her sweet stench (garbage, sweat) swaddles me like a babe. How I wish she would open her arms to me again, lure me in with her weekend shrieks. The seething bodies! I can imagine her now in mine eye: O, how I miss the line! So close together one practically suckles...

We Are Hastily Reopening Disney World in the Middle of a Pandemic with This New Set of Safety Measures

“The world is a different place, but we feel really prepared to operate in this new environment that we’re in,” says Josh D’Amaro — the new chairman of Disney Parks, Experiences and Products about the reopening of Disney World in Florida." — CNN - - -Dear Valued Guests, We here at Walt Disney Parks and Resorts value your health and well-being. But we...

This is a Hard Time for Everyone

Social Worker Yale New Haven Health New Haven, CT - - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors, nurses, healthcare workers, and others on the front lines against COVID-19. For information on how to submit, click here. - - -This is a hard time for everyone. When I first heard our Attending speak these...

Welcome to LobsterClass, the MasterClass Knockoff Operated By Lobsters

[DISCLAIMER: This course is not a lesson in how to eat a lobster (we’re not ignorant, but we’re not morbid, either), or how to become a lobster (totally preposterous, thank you Yorgos Lanthimos, our PR department will be dealing with that forever), but rather a lecture course on the general appreciation of lobsters in society. For payment, please stuff...

Security Questions for Academics Approaching the Fall 2020 Semester

1. What is the middle name of the person who founded your school and thus unwittingly triggered this descent into hell you’re now experiencing? 2. What kind of animal is your school’s mascot, and, on a scale of one to ten, how susceptible is that species to the coronavirus? 3. What is the title of the one-day, one-hour, in-person course you would be...

We at Anthropologie Will Be the Harbingers of Racial Justice

In light of recent events, we here at Anthropologie would like to take a minute and reflect on how our company can do better for our customers and be more sensitive to issues about race. We read the BuzzFeed article and realized that we messed up and need to fix it. We know, we know, “another corporate brand making gestures to be more ‘inclusive’?”...

The Instinct to Help

Editorial Fellow New England Journal of Medicine Boston, MA - - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors, nurses, healthcare workers, and others on the front lines against COVID-19. For information on how to submit, click here. - - -A stranger lay motionless on the ground. Moments earlier, he had tripped...

Jury Deliberations In a Highly Contentious Murder Trial or Potty Training a Toddler?

1. You’ll be given a set of rules to follow that everyone will promptly ignore. 2. No one is allowed to leave the building until a solution has been reached. 3. You will be forced to look at disturbing physical evidence. 4. You spend hours trying to explain logic and procedure to someone far below your education level. 5. The public will have a lot...

A Short History of the Irish Rampage and Eventual Norse Defeat of Muirchertach “Leathercloaks” Mac Néill for Bostonians, Part 2

Read Part 1 - - - Art by Matt Smith - - -So now Muirchertach n’ his guys ahr rampagin’ all ovah fuckin’ Ireland wearin’ their iconic leathahcloaks n’ makin’ a real intense medieval fashion statement. ‘Cause yah know, even though wearin’ cloaks out in public back then was actually consid’uhd tah be kindah cool, not evuhryone had a nicely choreographed...

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1-796

To be read before the 2020 Presidential Election. Register to vote here. - - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, and crimes, and it felt urgent then to track them, to ensure these...

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