McSweeney’s

Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

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Introducing MUSK: The Mask for Men

Men, are you tired of being treated like a goddamned cuck by the CHINAVIRUS? Pissed off that Olive Garden won’t let you inside unless you’re wearing a thin piece of FABRIC on your face? Has your manhood taken a hit because chicks can’t see your greying goatee when it’s hidden by “SCIENCE”? God granted you high levels of testosterone to make you immune...

An Open Letter to Santa Claus Regarding His Travel Plans

Dear Santa Claus, While I understand that your home is melting and you do not have many Christmases left, it is most imperative that you stay in the North Pole this year. Until the COVID-19 vaccine is released to the public, unnecessary travel for anyone is gravely irresponsible. Entering the home of every Christmas-celebrating child in the entire world...

Donald Trump’s Spotify 2020 Wrapped

Donald Trump’s Spotify Wrapped 2020

Even Though We Have Done Nothing Wrong, I, Vito Corleone, Am Pardoning My Entire Family

“President Trump has discussed with advisers whether to grant preemptive pardons to his children, to his son-in-law and his personal lawyer Rudy W. Giuliani, and talked with Mr. Giuliani about pardoning him as recently as last week, according to two people briefed on the matter.” — New York Times, 12/2/20 - - -Fellow made men, thank you for coming tonight....

The Best Books to Gift This 2020 Holiday Season

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1918 Flu Pandemic

- - -As the world shut down for the worst pandemic in a century, I soothed myself by looking at photos of the previous one (I know, I know, but that’s who I am). The 1918 Flu Pandemic was, by all accounts (at least to date), far more virulent than COVID-19, for myriad reasons. The images of the 1918 pandemic surprised me because even though I consider...

Thoughts on Our Nude Sushi Model

Taka Monzo has a reputation as the premier Japanese restaurant in the city, which is why our friend group was so eager to go there last night after work. We were excited to try the Nyotaimori experience, or “body sushi,” however, we had a less than ideal time due to the nude sushi model. We assumed that hygiene wouldn’t be an issue, but her fingernails...

“Home Away from Home Alone”: A College Admissions Essay by Kevin McCallister

Adversity. What does it even mean? Webster’s defines adversity as “an unfavorable fortune or fate.” But that’s so clinical — a diagnosis by a hurried, unaffected doctor. That definition leaves no room for emotional pain, no room for the hundreds of hours of therapy. Webster’s knows nothing of the innumerable hearings in the Cook County Circuit Court,...

The Catholic Church Is Modernizing!

“The Catholic Church Has No Idea How to Win Over Young People” — Vice News “As Millennials Walk Away from Religion, Catholic Church Hopes to Reverse the Trend” — The Denver Channel - - -We, the Sovereign and Holy Body of the Catholic Church, hereby announce the following Amendments to our Believers everywhere, as we seek to reach the Souls of those...

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