A Middle of the Date Questionnaire

Thank you for joining us for a date this evening. Before we move forward in the process, we’d like you to fill out this brief survey. We’re asking all serious candidates to complete the assessment before our final decision. 1. Do I look pretty? 2. Are you just saying that because I brought it up? 3. When the bartender came over, did you put on a little...

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Scenes from Overlook Elementary

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Dear McSweeney’s Crossword Puzzle

In honor of the release of Dear McSweeney’s: Two Decades of Letters to the Editor from Writers, Readers, and the Occasional Bewildered Consumer, crossword wunderkind (and Dear McSweeney’s contributor) Brendan Emmett Quigley has designed a brand new puzzle just for us. The first ten people to successfully complete the puzzle will receive a complimentary...

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Fourteen Short Obituaries for the Modern Woman

1. Lily passed peacefully, immediately after her therapist finally laughed at one of her jokes. 2. After a valiant battle with imposter syndrome, Olivia finally found a job she thinks she’s qualified for: a crazy ghost. 3. Melanie died as she lived: with one hand down her pants and another opening an incognito tab on Google Chrome. 4. Later in life,...

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Introducing Manlight: The Nightlight for Men Who Aren’t Afraid of the Dark

Here’s the thing about men. We’re fearless. We punch through BRICKS with our BARE HANDS. We ride DIRT BIKES and eat SALTY MEATS. We’re also not even slightly afraid of the dark but just want to see a bit better at night sometimes. That’s why we invented the MANLIGHT! Normally, I couldn’t in good conscience recommend a nightlight. They’re ALWAYS reserved...

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Our Faculty Success Initiative Redefines Everything You Thought You Knew About “Faculty” and “Success”

Thank you, everyone, for completing the Faculty Success Survey. During these challenging times, we understand that many of you are feeling great stress managing your classes during a global pandemic and financial crisis. We have collected and analyzed your thoughtful responses. As your Provost, I have spent several careful minutes thinking about the...

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Adam and Eve Decide Who Should Be in Charge of Childbirth

God came to Adam and Eve and said that one of them would have to bear children. Adam puffed his chest out and answered in a tone of cocky confidence that will eventually come naturally to all average white men, “Obviously, I’ll do it. I mean, look at me. I’m amazing.” God was like, “Cool, I don’t care who does it, just one of you has to. The other will...

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The Founders Would Like to Remind You They’ve Been Dead for Nearly Two Hundred Years

In the current era of hyper-partisanship, many have taken to using out-of-context quotes by us and asking what we would think of pretty much any political development. With that in mind, we’d like to remind the American people that we are dead. In fact, we’ve been dead for nearly two hundred years. We are no longer capable of sentient thought. We feel...

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Updated COVID Guidelines: A Flow Chart Wrapped in a Riddle Shrouded in a Clusterfuck

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Short Conversations with Poets: Eleanor Wilner

When I was in college I found my way to the study of history because I’m interested in what and how we remember, but I found my way to poetry—or poetry found me—because I didn’t want to leave out the personal. I didn’t want to leave out the body. “Transpersonal” is what Eleanor Wilner has called her poetics, for the way it mixes “our” human voice, our...

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