McSweeney’s

Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Latest articles

I Served as Acting Assistant Secretary for Intelligence Under Trump, I Was Deployed to Iraq with a GS-11 Rank, and This Is My Application for Dancing with the Stars

To Whom It May Concern: Please find attached my résumé and application for a “Star” position on Dancing with the Stars. With my extensive background in the intelligence community, my recent mentions (by name) in Politico and other blogs, and my strong appreciation of Dancing with the Stars, I think I could be a perfect fit. Stardom was never something...

Like the Minimum Wage, I Also Haven’t Changed Since 2009 and It’s Working Out Super Great for Me

I’ve been hearing a lot of buzz about raising the minimum wage, which hasn’t changed since 2009. I also haven’t changed since 2009, and why would I? My life is suh-weet! Who needs change? Not me! And certainly not America. Every morning I wake up to the alarm on my RIM BlackBerry Storm, alerting me to the start of another bomb-ass day. Sure it’s not...

Duolingo for Decoding Racist Dog-Whistling

LEVEL 1: DOG WHISTLE OVERVIEW DUO THE OWL: Translate the following from Racist Dog Whistle to English: Voter ID laws are important to avoid voter fraud. Your Answer: Voter ID laws are important to ensure poor people and minorities don’t vote. DUO: Correct! Make America Great Again Your Answer: Let’s go back to the days when we could be blatantly racist,...

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, by Sophocles

ACT I, SCENE I EXT. THEBES TOWN CENTER. Evening. The gazebo at town center stands empty but for two cloaked young women, from a distance, perhaps sisters. LORELAI: Rory, daughter, mine own dear daughter, knowest thou that all pains bestowed on me by my parents art bequeathed as well to thee? And now, what new edict hath been passed through mine answering...

I Am a Neanderthal and I Resent Being Compared to Incompetent Governors

“White House press secretary Jen Psaki on Thursday defended President Biden calling the decision of two GOP governors to lift mask mandates as ‘Neanderthal thinking’ after some conservatives took offense to the criticism.” – The Hill, 3/4/21 - - -Look, this is nothing new. We’re used to it. There’s a long history here. We let you modern Homo sapiens...

Why I’m Selling My 4-Bed, 3-Bath, 37-Moving-Bookcase Home

I am looking for someone — anyone — to purchase my biggest mistake, my most brutal nightmare, the godless creation of my worst impulses: my 4-bed, 3-bath, 37-moving-bookcase home. Moving bookcases signify studiousness, literacy, and above all, good hostmanship. As soon as I signed the deed to my home, I installed one to ensure my parties would be thoroughly...

Moms: The Vacation of Your Dreams Awaits You in This Dentist’s Chair

Are you stressed? Worn out? Astonished by the enormous number of mothers who have dropped out of the workforce in the last year since the coronavirus lockdowns began? It sounds like you could use a restful vacation to cleanse your soul and replenish your maternal energy. But I don’t have that kind of time, your monkey mind tells you. I’ve got to scan...

Signs You Might Be the Heroine of a Rom-Com Novel

You’re an author with writer’s block, so your agent sends you to her villa in Tuscany for a month-long vacation to help you find your inspiration. Your great-aunt died and bequeathed her apple farm to both you and an attractive stranger. You think this must be a mistake. The attorney says: “I assure you, it is not.” You have a quarrel with an attractive...

Okay, Let Me Just Share My Screen… Ah, Nope. Okay, You’re Looking At My Savings Account Now. That Is Not Good.

Not sure how that happened. I did not think my personal stuff was connected to this. So strange. And just a note, this is not my main bank account. I know it probably looks like a scarily low amount to have in my savings. Anyway. One second while I try to get this working. Sorry, I know this is super annoying. I can never find the button. Would love...

I’m All For Letting the Free Market Decide Things Unless It Decides to Stop Publishing Racist Children’s Books

“Now 6 Dr. Seuss books are cancelled too? When history looks back at this time it will be held up as an example of a depraved sociopolitical purge driven by hysteria and lunacy.” — Marco Rubio 3/2/21 - - -As a proud capitalist, I fully believe in letting the free market determine things, such as what style boots are in fashion, how many thousands of...

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