The Onion

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Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday

Lawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality, announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM movement a nice memorial or plaque or day off work or something. Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/TheTopical Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion ...

Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote

Plus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room. Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/TheTopical Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion ...

Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony

For the past decade, Ying Ying and Le Le had refused to mate, until now. Hear how the two love bears managed to stay true to their Lord and Savior. Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/TheTopical Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter:...

Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality

Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits. Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/TheTopical Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion ...

Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up

The once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western Iowa Tech Community College. We’ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah’s ongoing education. Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/thetopicalLike Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The...

Investigation Reveals Covid-19 Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents

An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion ...

Dems Praise Biden As Only Candidate Able To Talk To Americans Like The Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Are

He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/thetopicalLike...

Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World

Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/thetopicalLike The...

Walgreens Introduces Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Ft Away

More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Listen...

CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask | The Topical

The CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19. Hear why health officials now believe that if you got it, you should flaunt it. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/thetopical Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion ...

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